Specialist evidence-based therapy to help you understand shame, change patterns of harsh self-criticism and develop a more compassionate and balanced relationship with yourself.
Most of us have some capacity to evaluate ourselves. We notice when something hasn’t gone well. We reflect on mistakes, consider what we might do differently and sometimes recognise aspects of ourselves that we genuinely want to change. That isn’t necessarily self-criticism.
The difficulty is when reflection becomes relentlessly personal. A mistake doesn’t simply mean something went wrong; it means you are a failure. Someone being disappointed with you becomes evidence that you’re a bad person. An achievement is quickly dismissed whilst the smallest imperfection can occupy your mind for days.
Over time, that critical voice can become so familiar that it stops sounding like criticism. It simply sounds like the truth. Shame can take this even further. Rather than “I did something I regret,” it becomes “There is something wrong with me.” And when that belief becomes deeply established, it can influence far more than how you feel about yourself. It can affect relationships, boundaries, achievement, body image, vulnerability, belonging and what you believe you’re entitled to need from other people.
Therapy isn’t about replacing criticism with relentless positivity or convincing you that you’ve never done anything wrong. It’s about learning to distinguish between what you have done, what you feel and who you believe yourself to be.
Understanding Shame & Self-Criticism
Shame and self-criticism often overlap, but they aren’t quite the same. Guilt tends to relate to behaviour: “I did something wrong.” Shame tends to become more global: “There is something wrong with me.” Self-criticism describes the ways we judge, attack or evaluate ourselves, often around mistakes, appearance, achievement, relationships, emotions or perceived shortcomings.
There isn’t one reason these patterns develop. Experiences of criticism, bullying, rejection, abuse, discrimination, perfectionistic environments, difficult relationships, trauma or repeatedly feeling different can all influence how somebody comes to see themselves. Family and cultural expectations may shape what we learn about success, appearance, emotion, gender, responsibility or belonging. For some neurodivergent people, repeated correction, misunderstanding, masking or being judged against expectations that don’t reflect how they actually function may also contribute.
And sometimes shame relates to things we genuinely regret.
Therapy shouldn’t automatically explain those experiences away. Instead, we can distinguish between responsibility for something we’ve done and the conclusion that what we’ve done determines our entire worth as a person. You might find yourself wondering:
Shame is particularly powerful because it changes the question. Instead of: “What happened?” “What can I learn?” “Is there something I need to repair?” the mind moves towards: “What does this prove about me?” Therapy helps us bring those questions apart again.
How Shame & Self-Criticism Can Affect Everyday Life
Shame isn’t always obvious from the outside. Some people withdraw or make themselves small. Others become exceptionally accomplished, helpful or independent. You might notice:
- Harsh self-talk, speaking to yourself in ways you would rarely speak to somebody else.
- Difficulty tolerating mistakes, treating them as evidence of personal inadequacy.
- Perfectionism, trying to become difficult to criticise.
- People-pleasing, prioritising acceptance over your own needs.
- Difficulty receiving compliments, dismissing praise or feeling uncomfortable when noticed positively.
- Comparing yourself with others, particularly in ways that reinforce what you believe you’re lacking.
- Hiding parts of yourself, worrying that being fully known could lead to judgement or rejection.
- Difficulty asking for help, feeling burdensome or believing you should cope alone.
- Over-apologising, assuming responsibility quickly when something feels uncomfortable.
- Difficulty with boundaries, believing other people’s needs should matter more than yours.
- Imposter feelings, struggling to integrate evidence of your competence.
- Rumination, repeatedly reviewing mistakes, conversations or decisions.
- Body shame, experiencing appearance or bodily differences as evidence of personal inadequacy.
- Difficulty resting, feeling valuable primarily when you’re productive or useful.
- Withdrawing after criticism, wanting to hide or disappear.
- Difficulty experiencing self-compassion, because kindness towards yourself feels undeserved, uncomfortable or somehow dangerous.
For some people, shame is intensely emotional. For others, it appears more quietly through overworking, apologising, achieving, hiding, comparing, accommodating or never allowing themselves to need very much.
What Can Keep Shame & Self-Criticism Going?
For example, imagine receiving some constructive feedback at work. Instead of hearing: “There’s something I could improve here,” the mind hears: “They’ve realised I’m not actually good enough.” You work harder, repeatedly check everything and make sure the same mistake can never happen again. Your performance may improve. But rather than concluding “I’m capable of learning from feedback,” the inner critic concludes: “See? Being hard on you worked.”
Self-criticism can therefore become difficult to question precisely because it sometimes appears to produce results. The cost may be anxiety, exhaustion and an increasing belief that you can only function successfully whilst under internal threat.
How Therapy Can Help
Therapy begins by helping us understand the relationship you have with yourself. Rather than trying to silence your inner critic or replace every negative thought with a positive one, we’ll explore where these patterns developed, what they have been trying to protect you from and how they continue to influence your life today.
Because shame develops differently for every person, therapy is always guided by your individual formulation. Together, we’ll explore the beliefs you hold about yourself, the experiences that shaped those beliefs and the ways your mind and nervous system continue trying to protect you from rejection, criticism or emotional pain.
Depending on your formulation, we may integrate Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT), Schema Therapy, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), EMDR, where earlier experiences continue to influence the present, and elements of Integrative Psychotherapy. Throughout therapy, we work collaboratively and at a pace that feels safe.
Where neurodivergence, culture, identity, discrimination or current environments are relevant, these remain part of the formulation rather than assuming the problem exists solely within you.
Integration doesn’t mean using everything at once. The formulation guides what we use, when and why.
The aim isn’t to believe you’re wonderful all the time. It’s to develop a relationship with yourself that can hold strengths, limitations and mistakes without making your worth dependent upon them.
Common Misconceptions About Shame & Self-Criticism
“Being hard on myself keeps me motivated.”
It can certainly make people work hard.
Self-criticism may create urgency, push you to prepare thoroughly or make mistakes feel important enough to avoid. That can make it difficult to question because, on the surface, it sometimes appears to work.
The more useful question is what kind of motivation it creates and what it costs you.
If achievement depends on fear of failure, inadequacy or criticism, success may provide very little satisfaction before the next standard appears.
Therapy isn’t about removing ambition.
It’s about exploring whether threat needs to remain the engine behind it.
“If I stop criticising myself, I’ll become lazy or complacent.”
This is a common concern.
But recognising something you want to improve doesn’t require attacking yourself for it.
You can acknowledge a mistake, take responsibility, set high standards and work towards meaningful goals without using shame as motivation.
Accountability and self-punishment aren’t the same thing.
“Self-compassion means telling myself everything I do is okay.”
No.
Compassion isn’t about excusing harmful behaviour, lowering every expectation or avoiding uncomfortable truths.
It can involve honesty, responsibility, boundaries and doing something difficult because it matters.
Sometimes compassion is soothing.
Sometimes it’s saying:
“That wasn’t how I wanted to behave. I need to take responsibility and do something differently.”
The difference is that the behaviour can be addressed without turning it into a verdict on your worth.
“If I genuinely did something wrong, I deserve to feel ashamed.”
Guilt and regret can sometimes provide useful information.
They can help us recognise when our behaviour hasn’t aligned with our values and encourage apology, repair or change.
But there is an important difference between: “I did something I regret.” and: “What I did proves that I am fundamentally bad.”
Taking responsibility doesn’t require permanent self-condemnation.
“If my inner critic is sometimes right, I should listen to it.”
Your inner critic may notice genuine mistakes, limitations or things that could be improved.
The question isn’t whether every observation it makes is false. It’s what happens next.
Does “I made a mistake” become “I’m incompetent”?
Does “I could have handled that differently” become “I’m a terrible person”?
Therapy isn’t about proving the critic wrong about everything. It’s about developing a fairer way of evaluating yourself.
“Shame means there really is something wrong with me.”
Shame can feel extraordinarily convincing.
But the intensity of an emotion doesn’t establish the accuracy of the conclusion attached to it.
Feeling defective, unacceptable or unworthy tells us something important about how you’re experiencing yourself.
It doesn’t automatically prove that this is who you are.
“I should be able to just think more positively about myself.”
Usually, it isn’t that simple.
If self-critical beliefs have developed over many years, replacing: “I’m not good enough” with: “I’m amazing” may feel artificial or unbelievable.
Therapy doesn’t require forced positivity.
Sometimes a much more meaningful starting point is curiosity, fairness and reducing unnecessary hostility towards yourself.
“Self-criticism is just low self-esteem.”
They can overlap, but they’re not identical.
Someone may generally recognise their strengths whilst becoming extremely critical around mistakes, appearance, parenting, work, relationships or particular expectations.
Likewise, low self-esteem can involve broader beliefs about worth without a particularly harsh internal critical voice.
Understanding the specific pattern helps us decide what might actually be useful.
Food For Thought
What might change if your mistakes were something to learn from rather than evidence of who you are?
A Note from Agi
One of the things I find most striking about self-criticism is that people often speak to themselves in ways they would immediately recognise as cruel if those words were directed towards somebody they cared about. And yet simply telling someone to “be kinder to yourself” rarely changes very much.
If criticism has been present for years, it may feel responsible, motivating or simply accurate. Compassion can initially feel unfamiliar, uncomfortable or even undeserved.
That’s why I don’t think therapy should begin by trying to replace every critical thought with something positive. I’m much more interested in understanding what happens when you make a mistake, fall short of an expectation or encounter something about yourself that you find difficult. Can you recognise it without attacking yourself? Can you take responsibility without turning responsibility into shame? Can you want to grow without believing you need to become somebody different before you’re allowed to respect yourself?
For me, that is where compassion becomes much more meaningful than simply being nice to yourself. It’s learning to relate to yourself as a person who can be imperfect, accountable, growing and still worthy of care at the same time.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is shame?
Shame is an emotional experience often involving a sense of being flawed, unacceptable, exposed or somehow not enough.
It can be particularly painful because the judgement tends to become personal and global.
Rather than: “Something went wrong,” shame can become: “Something is wrong with me.”
What’s the difference between shame and guilt?
They often overlap, but there is a useful distinction.
Guilt tends to relate more closely to something we believe we’ve done: “I behaved badly.”
Shame is more likely to become a judgement about who we are: “I’m a bad person.”
Guilt can sometimes encourage learning, repair or changed behaviour. Shame is more likely to make us want to hide, withdraw or attack ourselves.
What’s the difference between self-criticism and healthy self-reflection?
Healthy reflection tends to remain focused on what happened and what you can learn.
You might ask: “What could I have done differently?” “Is there something I need to repair?” “What would I like to do next time?”
Harsh self-criticism moves more readily towards: “What’s wrong with me?” “Why can I never get anything right?”
Both may begin with exactly the same event. The difference is whether reflection leads towards learning or an attack on the person.
Where do shame and self-criticism come from?
There isn’t one explanation.
Experiences of criticism, bullying, rejection, trauma, discrimination, perfectionistic expectations, difficult relationships or repeatedly feeling different can all influence how somebody comes to see themselves.
Family, culture and wider social messages may also shape what we learn about achievement, appearance, emotion, responsibility or belonging.
Sometimes shame develops around things that happened to us.
Sometimes it relates to things we’ve done and regret.
And often several influences overlap.
Does shame always come from childhood?
No.
Early experiences can certainly influence how we understand ourselves, but shame can develop or intensify at any stage of life.
Adult relationships, workplaces, bullying, trauma, discrimination, illness, body changes, parenthood, social experiences and events we regret can all matter.
Therapy doesn’t need to decide where shame came from before we’ve understood your particular experience.
Can shame come from things other people have done to me?
Yes.
People can carry profound shame following abuse, bullying, humiliation, discrimination, betrayal or other experiences for which they weren’t responsible.
One of the painful features of shame is that somebody can come to feel defective because of what happened to them rather than something they did.
Therapy can help separate those things.
Why do I replay mistakes for so long?
Repeated analysis can feel like a way of understanding what happened or preventing the same thing from happening again.
But reflection and rumination aren’t quite the same.
Reflection can lead towards learning, repair or action.
Rumination tends to circle repeatedly around the same material, often focusing increasingly on what the mistake says about you without producing anything new.
Why do compliments or positive feedback make me uncomfortable?
Positive information can be difficult to integrate when it conflicts with an established view of yourself.
You might dismiss praise as politeness, attribute success to luck or assume somebody would think differently if they knew you better.
Rather than forcing yourself to accept every compliment, therapy can explore why positive and negative information seem to be given different amounts of credibility.
Can neurodivergence contribute to shame and self-criticism?
It can.
Some autistic and ADHD people have spent years receiving correction, criticism or messages that the way they communicate, organise themselves, respond emotionally or manage everyday demands is somehow wrong.
Masking, repeated misunderstanding or trying to meet expectations that don’t fit how you function can also influence self-perception.
Therapy can help distinguish between: “There is something wrong with me” and: “Something about what was expected of me didn’t fit.”
But we don’t assume that every neurodivergent person’s shame has the same origin.
Can shame affect relationships?
Yes.
Shame can influence whether you express needs, accept care, tolerate vulnerability, trust positive feedback or believe that other people could genuinely value you.
Some people become highly accommodating or apologetic. Others withdraw, hide aspects of themselves or find closeness uncomfortable.
We explore how shame actually operates in your relationships rather than assuming one particular pattern.
Why do I shut down when I’m criticised?
There can be several reasons.
Criticism may activate shame, anxiety, previous experiences or simply become difficult to process when emotions are intense.
Some people become quiet or withdraw. Others become defensive, explain themselves extensively or feel an urgent need to repair the situation.
Understanding what happens for you before, during and after criticism can be more useful than assigning one explanation to the response.
Can I change an inner critic I’ve had for most of my life?
Yes, although the goal doesn’t necessarily need to be making it disappear completely.
A longstanding critical voice may feel particularly convincing because you’ve heard it for years.
Therapy can help you understand when it appears, what strengthens it, how much authority you give it and what other ways of responding to yourself might be possible.
Over time, criticism can become one perspective rather than the unquestioned narrator of who you are.
How can therapy help with shame and self-criticism?
Therapy can help us understand what activates shame, how you respond to yourself when things go wrong and what makes self-criticism feel necessary or convincing.
Depending on your formulation, we may work with self-critical thinking, perfectionism, emotional responses, relationships, earlier experiences, trauma or deeply held beliefs about yourself.
The aim isn’t to convince you that everything about you is wonderful.
It’s to develop a fairer and more compassionate relationship with yourself that can hold strengths, limitations, responsibility and mistakes at the same time.
Can therapy be delivered online?
Yes. Many psychological therapies can be delivered effectively online, depending on the individual and the type of therapy being offered.
I provide online therapy across the UK, as well as working internationally where appropriate and where professional and regulatory requirements allow. For people who prefer face-to-face therapy, I offer in-person appointments in Menai Bridge, Anglesey and Llandudno, Conwy, North Wales.
During the initial assessment, we can consider whether online or in-person therapy is the best fit and discuss any practical or clinical factors that may influence how therapy is delivered.
How Do We Start?
If shame leaves you feeling as though there is something fundamentally wrong with you, constantly criticising yourself or wanting to hide, withdraw or make yourself smaller, you’re welcome to book a free 15-minute discovery call.
Together, we’ll explore what shame has come to mean for you, the experiences that may have shaped the way you see yourself and how your mind and nervous system have learned to respond when shame is activated. For some people, this appears as a harsh inner critic; for others, shame is experienced more physically through freezing, shutting down, struggling to speak, wanting to disappear or feeling a sense of collapse. We will develop a shared understanding of how shame shows up for you rather than assuming it looks the same for everyone.
Our work won’t begin by asking you to challenge those feelings, think more positively or simply “be kinder to yourself.” Instead, we’ll understand why shame developed, what your self-criticism may have been trying to protect you from and how experiences of being criticised, rejected, misunderstood or feeling that parts of yourself were unacceptable may still influence the way you relate to yourself today.
Over time, therapy can help you begin separating the feeling of being unacceptable from the reality of who you are. The aim isn’t to eliminate shame or convince you that you should always feel good about yourself. It’s to help shame become an emotion you can recognise, understand and respond to, rather than a verdict on your identity.
Shame may have taught you to hide parts of yourself. Together, we’ll create space for you to understand those parts with compassion rather than criticism.
If You Only Take One Thing Away…
You can recognise mistakes, limitations and things you want to change without turning them into evidence that there is something wrong with who you are. Therapy can help separate accountability from self-punishment, and self-reflection from shame.