Silencing the Inner Critic: Understanding and Soothing the Voice That Says “I’m Not Enough”

Most of us know what it feels like to have that little voice in our heads, the one that says, “You should have done better,” or “You’re not good enough,” or “What’s wrong with you?”

That voice can feel relentless. It judges, compares, and criticises until you’re left feeling anxious, ashamed, or paralysed.

As a therapist, I see this inner critic show up again and again. It’s one of the most common, and often most painful struggles people bring into therapy. The good news? You don’t have to silence it completely to find peace. You just have to learn how to recognise it, understand where it comes from, and gently loosen its grip.

In this post, I’ll explore:

• What the inner critic really is and where it comes from
• How it connects to deeper fears and early experiences (through schema and the “feared self”)
• Why it can feel especially loud for neurodivergent people
• And, most importantly, how to soften it, with compassion, not combat.

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What Exactly Is the Inner Critic?

The inner critic is that internal voice that comments, often harshly, on what you do, think, or feel. It’s the voice that says:

• “You can’t get anything right.”
• “If people really knew you, they wouldn’t like you.”
• “You should be doing more, better, faster.”

Sound familiar?

This critic usually develops over time through a mix of influences. It might echo the voices of parents, teachers, siblings, peers, or partners. It can also reflect social and cultural expectations, messages about how we “should” behave, look, succeed, or cope. Over time, these external voices become internal habits of thinking.

So, if you have a strong inner critic, it doesn’t mean you had “bad parents” or that something’s wrong with you, it means you’ve absorbed messages about safety, approval, and belonging, and your brain has turned them into rules for survival.

Research shows that self-criticism isn’t just unpleasant; it’s deeply linked with anxiety, depression, OCD, and shame. Studies have found that people who learn to reduce self-criticism, and replace it with self-compassion, often experience greater emotional resilience and more stable mental health.

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The Different Faces of the Inner Critic

There’s not just one critic. Sometimes there are several, each with their own tone, rules, and fears.

You might recognise some of these:

• The Perfectionist Critic – insists you must be flawless, productive, or “on top of things” to be worthy.
• The Comparative Critic – tells you everyone else is doing better, and you’re falling behind.
• The Caretaker Critic – whispers that you’re selfish if you rest or say no.
• The Controller Critic – warns that mistakes are dangerous, so you must plan for every possible outcome.
• The Shame Critic – doesn’t just attack your actions, but your whole self: “You are bad.”

When these critics get loud, they can dominate your inner world, driving anxiety, avoidance, or self-punishment. But here’s something powerful to remember: your critic isn’t your enemy. It’s a part of you that learned to keep you safe by avoiding rejection, failure, or shame. It’s just using outdated rules.

The goal isn’t to destroy the critic, but to help it relax and trust that you, your wiser, compassionate self, can take the lead now.

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Schema and the Roots of the Inner Critic

In Schema Therapy, we look at long-term patterns, or schemas, that shape how you see yourself and others. When a schema gets triggered, such as “I’m not good enough,” “I’ll be abandoned,” or “I must meet everyone’s needs to be loved,” the inner critic often jumps in to “correct” or control you.

Schema Therapy describes modes, or emotional states, that we move between. Two are especially relevant here:

• The Inner Critic Mode – the voice of old rules, shame, and punishment.
• The Vulnerable Child Mode – the younger part of you that feels scared, unworthy, or unloved.

In therapy, one of the aims is to strengthen your Healthy Adult Mode, the grounded, compassionate voice that can listen to both of these parts, understand their fears, and set new, healthier boundaries.

When you start to respond to your inner critic as a caring adult rather than as a frightened child, something begins to shift. The critic softens because it’s finally being seen and heard.

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The Inner Critic and the “Feared Self” in I-CBT for OCD

If you live with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) or strong intrusive doubts, your critic might feel like it’s on high alert all the time.

In Inference-Based CBT (I-CBT), a model for treating OCD, we explore how obsessions are often driven by what’s called the Feared Self, a deep, often hidden fear of being or becoming a “bad,” “dangerous,” or “immoral” version of yourself.

For example:

• “If I don’t check this properly, I’ll become careless, and someone will get hurt.”
• “If I have this thought, it must mean I’m a terrible person.”

The critic steps in, not just to scold you, but to try to prevent you from ever becoming that feared version of yourself. Unfortunately, this creates an exhausting cycle of doubt and self-punishment.

I-CBT helps you see that the feared self is a story your mind has constructed, not a reflection of who you really are. When you learn to notice this story as an inference, a mental possibility rather than a fact, you can begin to distance from it.

As you practice this, the critic loses its authority. It doesn’t need to police you so harshly when you’re grounded in the truth that thoughts are not facts, and fear is not identity.

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Neurodivergence and the Inner Critic

If you’re neurodivergent, for example, autistic, ADHD, or OCD-profiled, you might know the inner critic in a very particular way.

Maybe you’ve spent years “masking” to fit into social norms or hiding traits that others misunderstood. Perhaps your mind likes rules, certainty, and structure, and the critic clings to those too. Or maybe your critic attacks you for traits that are actually part of your neurotype, saying things like:

• “You’re too sensitive.”
• “You’re too much.”
• “You should be able to focus better / cope better / fit in more.”

That critic likely learned its lines from a world that didn’t always understand your brain. You’ve probably internalised years of subtle (and not-so-subtle) feedback that told you you needed to be different to be accepted.

It’s important to remember: your brain is not broken. Your critic is not proof of failure, it’s a sign that you’ve been trying too hard, for too long, to meet expectations that weren’t built for you.

When we work together in therapy, we can help your critic adopt a more supportive tone, one that honours your neurotype, your pace, and your needs.

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How to Soothe the Inner Critic: Practical Steps

Here are a few ways you can begin to soften your critic’s voice and strengthen your compassionate self.

1. Name and externalise it

Try giving your critic a name or an image, something that helps you see it as separate from “you.”
You might say, “That’s my Perfectionist again,” or even visualise it as a small, anxious character trying too hard to protect you.
This helps you step back and see the critic as a part of you, not the whole of you.

2. Listen, but don’t obey

When the critic speaks, pause and ask, “What are you afraid would happen if I didn’t listen to you?”
Often, it’s trying to prevent embarrassment, rejection, or failure.
You can thank it for trying to help, and still choose a different action.

3. Use your compassionate voice

Develop an internal voice that sounds more like a wise, caring friend.
You might say:

“I know you’re scared, but I’m okay.”
“I don’t need to be perfect to be worthy.”
“Everyone makes mistakes, I can learn from this.”

Compassion-focused therapy research (Gilbert, 2010) shows that cultivating this kind of soothing inner tone can literally calm the body’s threat system and increase emotional resilience.

4. Challenge the story

Ask yourself:

• “Is this thought a fact, or an old rule?”
• “Would I say this to someone I love?”
• “What evidence supports or contradicts it?”

These are gentle CBT questions that help you loosen the critic’s grip and test reality rather than accepting every thought as truth.

5. Behaviourally contradict the critic

If your critic says, “You’ll embarrass yourself,” try doing the thing anyway, on a small scale.
Prove through experience that you can survive imperfection.
Each time you do, you collect evidence that the critic’s predictions are unreliable.

6. Bring in imagery and grounding

Visualise your compassionate self or a nurturing figure placing a reassuring hand on your shoulder, saying, “You’re okay. I’m here.”
If you’re overwhelmed, ground yourself: feel your feet on the floor, take a slow breath, notice your surroundings.
Grounding helps pull you out of the critic’s abstract world and back into the present.

7. Notice patterns

Pay attention to when your critic is loudest, after mistakes, before rest, in social settings?
Awareness gives you choice. Once you can predict its triggers, you can prepare with compassion rather than panic.

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A Final Word: You Are Not Your Critic

Your inner critic may have been with you for years, whispering (or shouting) its warnings and judgments. But it is not you. It’s a learned part of your mind that can unlearn its old job.

You deserve a relationship with yourself that is kind, encouraging, and curious, one where mistakes are seen as human, not proof of failure.

In therapy, we can help you separate your true, compassionate self from that harsh internal voice. Over time, the critic quiets down, not because you’ve silenced it, but because it finally feels safe to rest.

You don’t have to earn your worth by being perfect, cautious, or endlessly productive.
You already are enough, even with that voice inside.
Let’s help you teach it that too.